I Lust You*

Long before the sonnets and sweets of Valentine’s Day, there was a mid-February festival that ran with the wolves. The ancient Roman rite of Lupercalia prepared for spring’s new life by having male priests, who were smeared in blood and dressed in skins, run amok on Rome’s Palatine Hill in a ceremony of purification (lustratio). Women would throw themselves in front of the men in order to be struck with a goatskin thong (februa) thought to promote fertility. What a heady time it was!

Lupercalia disappeared with the rise of the Christians. When a priest named Valentine was declared a martyr for presiding at the secret marriages of Roman soldiers whom the emperor wanted to remain single, his day became associated with romance and being “in love.” In the 19th century the Victorians added the lacy trimmings that we know so well, and the holiday was transformed from a celebration of sensual love to one of sentimental love without any clear acknowledgement of the ecstatic feeling of mutual erotic pleasure.

Today, Valentine’s Day includes the pagan god Cupid and his arrow, but women wait for men to wine and dine them and give them roses — a far cry from Lupercalia, when women actively indulged their undulating, tempestuous desires! The only holiday devoted to romantic love (Sweetest Day isn’t on my calendar), Valentine”s Day symbolizes our current approach to courtship and marriage. We base marriage almost entirely on romance. We’d be better off basing intimate relationships on loving friendship and delightful lust. We can still enjoy romance, but why make it the sole basis for a sexual relationship? Passion is what most of us want, and equal portions of lust and love inspire unbridled passion.

In his book The American Sexual Tragedy, Dr. Albert Ellis points out that in cultures where romance is the rule (namely the U.S.), sex is virtually never enjoyed for itself. Instead, sex must be couched in an irrational, out-of-control “in love” state — that over-the-cliff feeling that almost never lasts. Ellis concludes that the emphasis on romance and the sex tease of courtship play up talk and more talk about sex and love while discouraging uninhibited sexual enjoyment for its own sake.

The romantic lover is basically antisexual. He is volatile — often changing lovers when one infatuation fades. He is intensely possessive and jealous of his lover. Rather than accepting her as his equal, he puts her on a pedestal — an awkward position to get into when you want to make love!

It’s hard to bring back pagan lust in a society that fails to separate church and state, proclaims some sexual acts between consenting adults illegal, and regulates the availability of erotic videotapes and toys. But for those of us who are sexually adventurous, “Be My Valentine” can again mean “Be My Playmate.” We can return to the original meaning of Valentine’s Day. We can celebrate sexual enthusiasm and women initiating a date — and sometimes succulent sex on a date. We can update a delicious pagan orgy by honoring consensual sex as an expression of erotic love.

Lust and love (including some romance) are compatible. To be balanced, we just have to give them equal time! Will someone please tell Hallmark about all of this?

*An earlier version appeared in Playboy Online.

I Lust You*

Long before the sonnets and sweets of Valentine’s Day, there was a mid-February festival that ran with the wolves. The ancient Roman rite of Lupercalia prepared for spring’s new life by having male priests, who were smeared in blood and dressed in skins, run amok on Rome’s Palatine Hill in a ceremony of purification (lustratio). Women would throw themselves in front of the men in order to be struck with a goatskin thong (februa) thought to promote fertility. What a heady time it was!

Lupercalia disappeared with the rise of the Christians. When a priest named Valentine was declared a martyr for presiding at the secret marriages of Roman soldiers whom the emperor wanted to remain single, his day became associated with romance and being “in love.” In the 19th century the Victorians added the lacy trimmings that we know so well, and the holiday was transformed from a celebration of sensual love to one of sentimental love without any clear acknowledgement of the ecstatic feeling of mutual erotic pleasure.

Today, Valentine’s Day includes the pagan god Cupid and his arrow, but women wait for men to wine and dine them and give them roses — a far cry from Lupercalia, when women actively indulged their undulating, tempestuous desires! The only holiday devoted to romantic love (Sweetest Day isn’t on my calendar), Valentine”s Day symbolizes our current approach to courtship and marriage. We base marriage almost entirely on romance. We’d be better off basing intimate relationships on loving friendship and delightful lust. We can still enjoy romance, but why make it the sole basis for a sexual relationship? Passion is what most of us want, and equal portions of lust and love inspire unbridled passion.

In his book The American Sexual Tragedy, Dr. Albert Ellis points out that in cultures where romance is the rule (namely the U.S.), sex is virtually never enjoyed for itself. Instead, sex must be couched in an irrational, out-of-control “in love” state — that over-the-cliff feeling that almost never lasts. Ellis concludes that the emphasis on romance and the sex tease of courtship play up talk and more talk about sex and love while discouraging uninhibited sexual enjoyment for its own sake.

The romantic lover is basically antisexual. He is volatile — often changing lovers when one infatuation fades. He is intensely possessive and jealous of his lover. Rather than accepting her as his equal, he puts her on a pedestal — an awkward position to get into when you want to make love!

It’s hard to bring back pagan lust in a society that fails to separate church and state, proclaims some sexual acts between consenting adults illegal, and regulates the availability of erotic videotapes and toys. But for those of us who are sexually adventurous, “Be My Valentine” can again mean “Be My Playmate.” We can return to the original meaning of Valentine’s Day. We can celebrate sexual enthusiasm and women initiating a date — and sometimes succulent sex on a date. We can update a delicious pagan orgy by honoring consensual sex as an expression of erotic love.

Lust and love (including some romance) are compatible. To be balanced, we just have to give them equal time! Will someone please tell Hallmark about all of this?

*An earlier version appeared in Playboy Online.

Is a New Sexual Revolution Coming?

It is common to refer to the sexual revolution of the sixties, but that revolution actually peaked from 1973 to 1975, and many of the changes in our culture have been integrated in our lives up to the present. The pill, a vibrant economy, relaxing what is considered moral, and less fear of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) all coalesced to encourage sexual freedom with a variety of lovers. This was all pre-HIV.

Woodstock and other celebrations of peace, love and lust really happened. Women initiated sex a lot, and some movement toward equality occurred. This does not mean the sexual revolution was perfect, or that there were no problems. But for the most part it was a sex party that lasted for years, and a whole lot of young and middle-aged people participated with glee.

There was an earlier sexual revolution in the 20^th century. The 1920s saw a slightly more muted version of the revolution of the late sixties to the mid-seventies. The sex researcher Alfred Charles Kinsey indicated that for women born between 1900 and 1909, the percentage of women who had premarital intercourse doubled from 25% to 50%. This helped define the sexual revolution of the 1920s. Most of the sex during this earlier revolution was within the context of affection and love, while the larger revolution of the sixties and seventies included a wider range of meanings for sex, including the focus on sex for the fun of it.

As for the future, we will undergo a third sexual revolution once the economy improves and AIDS and other STDs are dealt a huge blow through vaccinations (as the vaccination for HPV and genital warts is working to eliminate),  and better way to prevent and treat STDS. More thorough sex education in the schools will also help prepare for the third sexual revolution. There will be more awareness of birth control and abortion, and sexual abuse and rape will be less common because of sex and relationship education, as well as improved counseling.

Any bona fide sexual revolution includes changes in both attitudes and behavior. The next sexual revolution will embrace sexual pluralism. Sociologist Ira Reiss has discussed this issue for many years.     Our country will not experience another revolution until there is support for different sexual choices and lifestyles. This support must occur in education, law and policy sectors.

I believe our society desperately need a new sexual revolution, but it requires higher employment and a cost of living that allows a focus on pleasure and less on sheer survival. Even in tough times, if we do not take some time for dating and sexual intimacy, we will see more marriages that are weak or broken. Some do not divorce because they cannot afford divorce, but there would be happier marriages if we insisted on some balance with leisure and sexual intimacy not being neglected in favor of working three jobs and focusing almost entirely on children.

Each of us have to make the best of our lives—including our sex lives—in the meantime. Sometimes we get stuck in distorted thoughts, and these thoughts make it difficult to imagine something more intimate and more fun. Simply changing our thoughts does wonders to our celebration of love and pleasure. This is what I help people do in my practice.

If you believe you need a personal revolution in your sex or sexual thoughts, give me a call or email.

Why More Counselors Should Refer to a Sex Therapist

Every therapist or counselor should be licensed, and should have a scope of practice that is made clear in any advertising, websites and listings. If the scope of practice is marriage and the family, or general mental health issues, counselors should refer out for sexual problems unless they also are board certified sex therapists.

Unfortunately, this does not always happen. Some therapists do not do their homework to help a client find a suitable sex therapist. Other counselors know of sex therapists, but decide they need the income, so they don’t refer out—which is a huge ethical issue.

I often have new couples or individuals who find me from a web search. Sometimes they have been to a marriage counselor, a mental health counselor or another sex therapist without much, if any, help. In these cases, the therapist made no effort to find a suitable sex therapist for them. In most cases, the therapist never admitted they were not sufficiently trained to solve the sexual dilemma. Some of these counselors pass on their own biases rather than develop a sound treatment plan. (“How do you feel?” is not a treatment plan).

As a certified sex counselor, if I identify a problem that I am not trained to solve, I refer the client to a therapist who has the expertise to help. In some cases, I refer a person to an individual therapist while I work with the couple. For example, if a person has experienced sexual abuse, rape or another trauma, I refer them to a trauma therapist who does EMDR (Eye Movement Therapy), so they can put the trauma behind them while I help them with their current dilemma. Some trauma therapists do half-day and whole day intensive sessions, which is often a useful way to help a client deal with deep traumas.

I would hope that marriage counselors and others would do likewise when it comes to handling sexual issues. A marriage counselor typically has a course, or a few courses in Human Sexuality, but this does not prepare them to deal with a range of sexual dysfunctions. With years of experience, I have developed a relationship with therapists who are specialists in a given area. I refer to them as appropriate.

My experience with the referral problem is not totally unique. I have discussed the referral issue with other sex therapists from around the country, and they have had similar experiences with clients finding them on their own after a general therapist could not solve their problem. It makes me realize that part of the problem is the way many therapists are trained and supervised. They either were not properly advised about the ethics of referrals, or they simply did not take the advice of their professors and supervisors to stick to their scope of practice based on their training.

I aim to bring clients to a place where they can experience joyful sex, usually in a few sessions. We can work together while you are in individual counseling with another therapist. I would be happy to speak with you. If you think that sex therapy may help you as a couple, just send an email or give me a call.

Obama and Sebilius Use Teenage Women as Pawns

Teenage girls should not be pawns in the midst of puritanism. President Obama’s discomfort with the reproductive and sexual potential of his daughters and his catering to uninformed Republicans are more important than good science in dictating his unwillingness to support the F.D.A.’s recommendation to offer scientifically proven morning-after birth control to teenagers under age 17 without a prescription. The morning-after pill must be taken within 72 hours of intercourse to prevent an unwanted pregnancy.

This is an appalling example of Obama caving to and becoming part of the right-wing, resulting in further erosion of his once stgrong political base. It doesn’t matter to Obama that mainstgream medical groups such as the American Medical Association, the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and the American Academy of Pediatrics strongly agree with the F.D.A. decision. HHS Secretary Kathleen Sibelius and President Obama believe they know more than these and other professionals about what is medically safe and effective with younger teenagers. If Catholic bishops, evangelicals and uninformed politicians are able to limit intelligent sexual choices, are scientists and educators to give in to their repressive bias and ignorance? I would hope not.

It is urgent that teenagers receive comprehensive sex education, and that they have access to birth control. Anything short of this encourages more unwanted pregnancies and unnecessary abortions. There can be no responsible sexual freedom if young and older women do not have the freedom to choose contraception and abortion. Plan B furthers a commonsense approach to sex that is sorely lacking among many politicians and the more rigid religious leaders.

 

Will the Real Virgins Please Stand Up? (and Make Out!)

Bill Clinton and others claim that oral sex is not sex. Much of our culture equates sex with sexual intercourse. I believe both Clinton and our culture are wrong.

Who is a virgin? Our culture says it is someone who has not yet had sexual intercourse. I reanalyzed a national Zogby poll (Roger Libby, The Naked Truth About Sex, 2006), For the youngest cohort, age 18 to 24, only .5% of the never-married women and 1% of the never-married men said they had not had sexual relations.

Are you a virgin if you’ve had oral sex to orgasm, but not had intercourse? Is this a “penetration virgin?” If the same meaning is there, how is one remaining a virgin? Isn’t this an excuse not to feel guilty? And what about religious groups who say you can start all over as a virgin even if you’ve had intercourse by swearing off future intercourse until marriage (a “secondary virgin”).

What if they are lesbian or gay? How would we define virginity for them? Why should we care if we are virgins or not? Why is virginity viewed as something to lose, rather than a gain of freedom? Why is sexual naiveté and inexperience seen as a higher moral value than someone who is a wild sexual enthusiast who enjoys sex for a variety of reasons, sometimes with more than one person?

Virginity is a state of mind more than a physical condition. The traditional definition focused on a girl’s hymen, a thin membrane inside her vagina that is broke by intercourse or riding a horse or other physical activity. In the past, virginity was a way to control female sexual pleasure to assure that girls were “protected” or pressured to refrain from intercourse until they were prepared to reproduce in marriage.

In the modern era, the only thing the vast majority of bridges and grooms lose on their honeymoon is their baggage! In his famous seventeenth century poem, “To the Virgins, To Make Much of Time,” Robert Herrick advises young people to “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may….” Why feel guilty about intercourse more than other orgasmic sex acts?

Why should sex, primarily intercourse, be viewed as sinful or bad? Even some who are not devout use these distinctions to justify sex: “It was just a blowjob” and “he only went down on me” are rationalizations for orgasms that don’t make you feel guilty. Unless you are coercing or forcing sex, why feel guilty about it?

You don’t have to rationalize that it’s OK to be sexual as long as you are swept away by uncontrollable lust or love or if someone else gives you permission. It is better to “lose” your virginity than to lose your integrity. Be honest with yourself and your lovers.

Wouldn’t you prefer someone who is experienced rather than an inexperienced person who has no clue how to satisfy her or himself and you?

Sexual Chemistry is All In the Nose

There is always a need for more definitive research on pheromones, but it is fairly clear to most people that when you are drawn to someone’s natural smells (not perfumes and colognes), it is because these smells attract and turn you on.

Pheromones are extremely strong substances which give off an irresistible and not totally conscious scent that spontaneously attracts us to particular others. Animals have pheromones too. Watch dogs sniff each other! Those whose ravenous pheromones lock into each other usually don’t resist acting on their highly charged arousal.

We cannot control whose pheromones turn us on, but can control what we do about our craving. If the person is not a great idea (such as someone who might land you in jail), you can simply leave the area. Or, you can listen to the chemical message and act on your desire for that person with unrestrained gusto.

Even our conscious sense of smell is a powerful attractant when the smell is just right. Using perfumes, colognes and scented deodorants covers up conscious and unconscious scents which would otherwise engulf you.

It is rare when there is strong chemistry, and when it overpowers you (say you are at a party and a stranger turns you on), it is always mutual. Raging pheromones are as rare as steak tartare and should be celebrated just as passionately. Some never find such strong chemistry, while others with lots of dating experience may find a few partners with magical electricity.

The smells are held in the hair in your body. Studies have shown that women who have strong chemistry with a lover wear the lover’s T-shirts! Unfortunately, many married couples have marginal chemistry, which makes lust less a part of their intimate lives. You cannot have passion without both love and lust.

You have to sniff a lot of people to find strong chemistry. This is why my petting zoo parties have been so popular. People dress up as their favorite party animal and make out and pet at a nightclub, and they know right away if there is strong chemistry! Many leave together! In most social environments, it is not proper to sniff others, but at a party intended for such an activity, it is proper and fun!

I am convinced that highly orgasmic couples have strong chemistry. It is like a glue that cements two people to pure mutual pleasure and ecstasy. There can be no greater sexual draw than undulating bodies uniting for pure lust because of mutual chemistry. When you experience stupendous chemistry and great sex, you remember that lover’s enticing smells years and years later. It would be great if all who have strong chemistry also have the basis for an ongoing relationship, but this is not always true.

When someone exclaims “I have a nose for you!” you need to sniff and see if you feel the same way. A quick pre-sex discussion may be in order!

Who Is and Isn’t A Sex Addict?

Tiger Woods, Anthony Wiener and others in the news have been labeled “sex addicts” by the media and by some counselors and therapists. But who is a “sex addict”? The term sex addict (and hypersexual disorder) have not yet been approved by the DSM, the manual insurance companies and therapists use to diagnose a variety of mental disorders. This is because there is a lack of conceptual clarity and empirically-based validation to justify the inclusion. This supposed disorder is labeled mostly by twelve-step sex addiction counselors, often with encouragement from a variety of religiously based groups and individuals.

If you or someone you know is deemed a “sex addict,” you may be asked by such counselors and groups to participate in Sexaholics Anonymous or some similar group designed to discourage you from masturbating or ever viewing pornography, not to mention refraining from nonmonogamous sexual pleasures. The moralistic basis of such an approach is obvious.

I am not saying some people don’t have a problem by being out of balance in their sexual behavior and fantasies. Some don’t make it to work or they get caught viewing porn online at work. These people may be obsessive-compulsive, but this does not mean there is something wrong with lust, or viewing lusty films as a part of life.

As I was quoted in The New York Times, it is semantic sophistry to say that a person can be addicted to her or himself. Sex is part of us. Addiction is when there is an external substance such as alcohol or a drug that can cause a dependency. Sexual Addiction counselors do not agree with this distinction. They are riding the media wave of faddish labeling of sexual addiction to contend that sexual addiction is real and verifiable. Never mind that the concept is not well defined or well researched.

Individual who are called “sexual addiction” therapists may or may not be certified. Sometimes they are also certified sex therapists, but this is usually not the case. There are several arbitrary inventories potential sex addictions are asked to fill out on the web to see if they qualify as actual addicts. These inventories are starting to be less extreme, because almost everyone who filled out earlier versions were deemed sex addicts, but the inventories are still poorly conceived.

A more effective way to treat those who are out of balance with sex cognitive-behavior therapy with a board certified sex therapist. There is no moralizing by most cognitive-behavior sex therapists. Clients are helped to exchange their distorted thoughts and behaviors for more rational thoughts and behaviors.

This approach involves homework, and it typically works well with short-term therapy. This approach allows sexual enthusiasts to stand up and be counted without being labeled “sex addicts.” Unlike sex addiction therapy, this approach is compatible with humor and an affirmation of sexual pleasure within and beyond monogamy.

If you have questions about sex addiction or want to explore whether your life is out of balance, e-mail me at drlibby@drrogerlibby.com.

Cheating, Flings and Affairs

In America “cheating” is so loosely defined that I believe it is essentially meaningless. Is it a violation of an agreement? How many agreements are clearly spelled out and agreed upon—as opposed to merely being assumed?

To some, cheating is looking at porn. To others, it is flirting or chatting with another person with sexual innuendo or overtures. To others, cheating is whatever scares them.

Since sex can mean anything from love to pure lust, why do we assume there is only one acceptable meaning or motive? Why do we rigidly limit ourselves and our lovers in the name of love? Is love possessing another person? Or is this insecurity ratcheted up by jealousy (the green-eyed monster)? Why must our security reside so completely in the actions and expectations of a partner, parents or friends, rather than in ourselves?

In my sex and relationship therapy practice, I get it all: couples who are angry at each other for showing any attention to anyone else, those who have brief flings, and those who carry on more emotionally involved affairs. Some hook up on any of several sex or dating sites and have casual sex with a new lover. Others may meet someone in the produce section while checking out melons or apples.

The words we use to describe any sex beyond monogamy belie our biases and our insecurities. If we refer to a sexual act as “infidelity” or “cheating,” a breach of contract is implied. But what contract do a given couple truly agree to? Some marriage ceremonies include “forsake all others,” but even this is unclear, although assumed for clear meaning by at least one of the parties. Many ceremonies do not mention the entire issue, but one or both may still assume that any marriage is monogamous.

We do not live in a monogamous society. Plenty of people have flings and affairs, or chat with others online, or make out with someone they met at a wild party. We have the illusion that we live in a monogamous society, and that anyone who does not agree is heartless and close to insane. Monogamy is stuffed down nearly everyone’s throat—unless they refuse to go along with such pressures to conform to a supposed ideal that is neither ideal nor practiced by many as part of the secret society.

Some can be happily monogamous, while others are not geared this way. Some begin as monogamous, and later develop an open marriage, become swingers or are polyamorous. Why or how can we all be alike, when we differ in our values, preferences, fantasies and sexual desires?

Most flings are not known to a spouse or other significant other, while affairs usually come out. They are too complicated not to be detected eventually. Some advice columnists used to say don’t tell if you have a fling, as it may relieve you of guilt if this was not part of your agreement, but it is destructive to the partner, and to the relationship. I agree with this advice.

Reality is a better basis for sexual choices than a misguided attempt to fabricate, cover up and offer an illusion of what we desire and do sexually. Most of us are attracted to more than one person. Some of us flirt or look the other way, while others act on their attractions. Part of the excitement of being sexual is to fantasize and act on fantasies that aren’t likely to ruin our lives.

Everyone has to find the fine line between honesty and sensitivity to a partner, and between privacy and secrecy. We all deserve some privacy to be who we are in our sexual desires and fantasies. We need to pleasure ourselves, to fantasize, and sometimes to act on our erotic thoughts with one or more willing lovers.

What do you think about cheating, or flings, or affairs?

The Joys of Vacation Sex!

 Most couples have more and better sex on vacation—even if they are way for a lusty weekend. They can turn off their cell phones and their laptops, and focus on pleasuring each other.

Getting away often does wonders to your sex life. You can choose to relax, laugh and have orgasms galore! Making love outdoors is sometimes possible on vacation. I suggest a picnic lunch, a blanket and a roaring river as the perfect atmosphere for languishing, decadent sex. Moving water (not a faucet!) adds to erotic passion. The rapids with cresting white water and curious, appreciative bear and deer looking on make for a hot time engulfing each other with ecstatic pleasures of the flesh.

Same with the ocean. Waves of pleasure collaborate with ocean waves to encourage delicious sexmaking. Undulating bodies, a warm breeze and birds overhead help create a holistic, succulent day or night.

If couples have a pretty good sex life anyway, vacation sex takes them to a higher pitch of mutual intimacy. If they haven’t had sex for months, and the sex is not very exciting, a vacation may help jump start their sex life, but it is not a panacea for poor chemistry, resentments or bodies that are tired from work, no exercise or poor sleep and diet.

No vacation will make up for unhealthy habits. If a person is on prescription drugs that detract from her/his desire and arousal, a vacation won’t change anything. Or if too much alcohol is consumed – which often is the case on vacation – sex will suffer along with the hangover.

Vacations should stimulate you to take a day or a few hours off of work to celebrate hot sex when you are not on vacation. The best idea is to not allow your priorities to shift back to an unbalanced life with work and children moving sexual intimacy down the totem pole.

I often hear from people that they don’t have a choice about all of this. This is blatantly false! We have more choices than we think we do. We simply give in to what others think we ought to be doing, rather than what we choose to do. If we make intelligent sexual choices and do a little time management to do so, we can have a rich and playful sex life on and off vacations.

Have you experienced better or more sex while on vacation? What strategies have you found successful in your relationship? I enjoy hearing about how couples get to the place where you are having terrific intimacy.