Will the Real Virgins Please Stand Up? (and Make Out!)

Bill Clinton and others claim that oral sex is not sex. Much of our culture equates sex with sexual intercourse. I believe both Clinton and our culture are wrong.

Who is a virgin? Our culture says it is someone who has not yet had sexual intercourse. I reanalyzed a national Zogby poll (Roger Libby, The Naked Truth About Sex, 2006), For the youngest cohort, age 18 to 24, only .5% of the never-married women and 1% of the never-married men said they had not had sexual relations.

Are you a virgin if you’ve had oral sex to orgasm, but not had intercourse? Is this a “penetration virgin?” If the same meaning is there, how is one remaining a virgin? Isn’t this an excuse not to feel guilty? And what about religious groups who say you can start all over as a virgin even if you’ve had intercourse by swearing off future intercourse until marriage (a “secondary virgin”).

What if they are lesbian or gay? How would we define virginity for them? Why should we care if we are virgins or not? Why is virginity viewed as something to lose, rather than a gain of freedom? Why is sexual naiveté and inexperience seen as a higher moral value than someone who is a wild sexual enthusiast who enjoys sex for a variety of reasons, sometimes with more than one person?

Virginity is a state of mind more than a physical condition. The traditional definition focused on a girl’s hymen, a thin membrane inside her vagina that is broke by intercourse or riding a horse or other physical activity. In the past, virginity was a way to control female sexual pleasure to assure that girls were “protected” or pressured to refrain from intercourse until they were prepared to reproduce in marriage.

In the modern era, the only thing the vast majority of bridges and grooms lose on their honeymoon is their baggage! In his famous seventeenth century poem, “To the Virgins, To Make Much of Time,” Robert Herrick advises young people to “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may….” Why feel guilty about intercourse more than other orgasmic sex acts?

Why should sex, primarily intercourse, be viewed as sinful or bad? Even some who are not devout use these distinctions to justify sex: “It was just a blowjob” and “he only went down on me” are rationalizations for orgasms that don’t make you feel guilty. Unless you are coercing or forcing sex, why feel guilty about it?

You don’t have to rationalize that it’s OK to be sexual as long as you are swept away by uncontrollable lust or love or if someone else gives you permission. It is better to “lose” your virginity than to lose your integrity. Be honest with yourself and your lovers.

Wouldn’t you prefer someone who is experienced rather than an inexperienced person who has no clue how to satisfy her or himself and you?

Sexual Chemistry is All In the Nose

There is always a need for more definitive research on pheromones, but it is fairly clear to most people that when you are drawn to someone’s natural smells (not perfumes and colognes), it is because these smells attract and turn you on.

Pheromones are extremely strong substances which give off an irresistible and not totally conscious scent that spontaneously attracts us to particular others. Animals have pheromones too. Watch dogs sniff each other! Those whose ravenous pheromones lock into each other usually don’t resist acting on their highly charged arousal.

We cannot control whose pheromones turn us on, but can control what we do about our craving. If the person is not a great idea (such as someone who might land you in jail), you can simply leave the area. Or, you can listen to the chemical message and act on your desire for that person with unrestrained gusto.

Even our conscious sense of smell is a powerful attractant when the smell is just right. Using perfumes, colognes and scented deodorants covers up conscious and unconscious scents which would otherwise engulf you.

It is rare when there is strong chemistry, and when it overpowers you (say you are at a party and a stranger turns you on), it is always mutual. Raging pheromones are as rare as steak tartare and should be celebrated just as passionately. Some never find such strong chemistry, while others with lots of dating experience may find a few partners with magical electricity.

The smells are held in the hair in your body. Studies have shown that women who have strong chemistry with a lover wear the lover’s T-shirts! Unfortunately, many married couples have marginal chemistry, which makes lust less a part of their intimate lives. You cannot have passion without both love and lust.

You have to sniff a lot of people to find strong chemistry. This is why my petting zoo parties have been so popular. People dress up as their favorite party animal and make out and pet at a nightclub, and they know right away if there is strong chemistry! Many leave together! In most social environments, it is not proper to sniff others, but at a party intended for such an activity, it is proper and fun!

I am convinced that highly orgasmic couples have strong chemistry. It is like a glue that cements two people to pure mutual pleasure and ecstasy. There can be no greater sexual draw than undulating bodies uniting for pure lust because of mutual chemistry. When you experience stupendous chemistry and great sex, you remember that lover’s enticing smells years and years later. It would be great if all who have strong chemistry also have the basis for an ongoing relationship, but this is not always true.

When someone exclaims “I have a nose for you!” you need to sniff and see if you feel the same way. A quick pre-sex discussion may be in order!

Who Is and Isn’t A Sex Addict?

Tiger Woods, Anthony Wiener and others in the news have been labeled “sex addicts” by the media and by some counselors and therapists. But who is a “sex addict”? The term sex addict (and hypersexual disorder) have not yet been approved by the DSM, the manual insurance companies and therapists use to diagnose a variety of mental disorders. This is because there is a lack of conceptual clarity and empirically-based validation to justify the inclusion. This supposed disorder is labeled mostly by twelve-step sex addiction counselors, often with encouragement from a variety of religiously based groups and individuals.

If you or someone you know is deemed a “sex addict,” you may be asked by such counselors and groups to participate in Sexaholics Anonymous or some similar group designed to discourage you from masturbating or ever viewing pornography, not to mention refraining from nonmonogamous sexual pleasures. The moralistic basis of such an approach is obvious.

I am not saying some people don’t have a problem by being out of balance in their sexual behavior and fantasies. Some don’t make it to work or they get caught viewing porn online at work. These people may be obsessive-compulsive, but this does not mean there is something wrong with lust, or viewing lusty films as a part of life.

As I was quoted in The New York Times, it is semantic sophistry to say that a person can be addicted to her or himself. Sex is part of us. Addiction is when there is an external substance such as alcohol or a drug that can cause a dependency. Sexual Addiction counselors do not agree with this distinction. They are riding the media wave of faddish labeling of sexual addiction to contend that sexual addiction is real and verifiable. Never mind that the concept is not well defined or well researched.

Individual who are called “sexual addiction” therapists may or may not be certified. Sometimes they are also certified sex therapists, but this is usually not the case. There are several arbitrary inventories potential sex addictions are asked to fill out on the web to see if they qualify as actual addicts. These inventories are starting to be less extreme, because almost everyone who filled out earlier versions were deemed sex addicts, but the inventories are still poorly conceived.

A more effective way to treat those who are out of balance with sex cognitive-behavior therapy with a board certified sex therapist. There is no moralizing by most cognitive-behavior sex therapists. Clients are helped to exchange their distorted thoughts and behaviors for more rational thoughts and behaviors.

This approach involves homework, and it typically works well with short-term therapy. This approach allows sexual enthusiasts to stand up and be counted without being labeled “sex addicts.” Unlike sex addiction therapy, this approach is compatible with humor and an affirmation of sexual pleasure within and beyond monogamy.

If you have questions about sex addiction or want to explore whether your life is out of balance, e-mail me at drlibby@drrogerlibby.com.

Cheating, Flings and Affairs

In America “cheating” is so loosely defined that I believe it is essentially meaningless. Is it a violation of an agreement? How many agreements are clearly spelled out and agreed upon—as opposed to merely being assumed?

To some, cheating is looking at porn. To others, it is flirting or chatting with another person with sexual innuendo or overtures. To others, cheating is whatever scares them.

Since sex can mean anything from love to pure lust, why do we assume there is only one acceptable meaning or motive? Why do we rigidly limit ourselves and our lovers in the name of love? Is love possessing another person? Or is this insecurity ratcheted up by jealousy (the green-eyed monster)? Why must our security reside so completely in the actions and expectations of a partner, parents or friends, rather than in ourselves?

In my sex and relationship therapy practice, I get it all: couples who are angry at each other for showing any attention to anyone else, those who have brief flings, and those who carry on more emotionally involved affairs. Some hook up on any of several sex or dating sites and have casual sex with a new lover. Others may meet someone in the produce section while checking out melons or apples.

The words we use to describe any sex beyond monogamy belie our biases and our insecurities. If we refer to a sexual act as “infidelity” or “cheating,” a breach of contract is implied. But what contract do a given couple truly agree to? Some marriage ceremonies include “forsake all others,” but even this is unclear, although assumed for clear meaning by at least one of the parties. Many ceremonies do not mention the entire issue, but one or both may still assume that any marriage is monogamous.

We do not live in a monogamous society. Plenty of people have flings and affairs, or chat with others online, or make out with someone they met at a wild party. We have the illusion that we live in a monogamous society, and that anyone who does not agree is heartless and close to insane. Monogamy is stuffed down nearly everyone’s throat—unless they refuse to go along with such pressures to conform to a supposed ideal that is neither ideal nor practiced by many as part of the secret society.

Some can be happily monogamous, while others are not geared this way. Some begin as monogamous, and later develop an open marriage, become swingers or are polyamorous. Why or how can we all be alike, when we differ in our values, preferences, fantasies and sexual desires?

Most flings are not known to a spouse or other significant other, while affairs usually come out. They are too complicated not to be detected eventually. Some advice columnists used to say don’t tell if you have a fling, as it may relieve you of guilt if this was not part of your agreement, but it is destructive to the partner, and to the relationship. I agree with this advice.

Reality is a better basis for sexual choices than a misguided attempt to fabricate, cover up and offer an illusion of what we desire and do sexually. Most of us are attracted to more than one person. Some of us flirt or look the other way, while others act on their attractions. Part of the excitement of being sexual is to fantasize and act on fantasies that aren’t likely to ruin our lives.

Everyone has to find the fine line between honesty and sensitivity to a partner, and between privacy and secrecy. We all deserve some privacy to be who we are in our sexual desires and fantasies. We need to pleasure ourselves, to fantasize, and sometimes to act on our erotic thoughts with one or more willing lovers.

What do you think about cheating, or flings, or affairs?

The Joys of Vacation Sex!

 Most couples have more and better sex on vacation—even if they are way for a lusty weekend. They can turn off their cell phones and their laptops, and focus on pleasuring each other.

Getting away often does wonders to your sex life. You can choose to relax, laugh and have orgasms galore! Making love outdoors is sometimes possible on vacation. I suggest a picnic lunch, a blanket and a roaring river as the perfect atmosphere for languishing, decadent sex. Moving water (not a faucet!) adds to erotic passion. The rapids with cresting white water and curious, appreciative bear and deer looking on make for a hot time engulfing each other with ecstatic pleasures of the flesh.

Same with the ocean. Waves of pleasure collaborate with ocean waves to encourage delicious sexmaking. Undulating bodies, a warm breeze and birds overhead help create a holistic, succulent day or night.

If couples have a pretty good sex life anyway, vacation sex takes them to a higher pitch of mutual intimacy. If they haven’t had sex for months, and the sex is not very exciting, a vacation may help jump start their sex life, but it is not a panacea for poor chemistry, resentments or bodies that are tired from work, no exercise or poor sleep and diet.

No vacation will make up for unhealthy habits. If a person is on prescription drugs that detract from her/his desire and arousal, a vacation won’t change anything. Or if too much alcohol is consumed – which often is the case on vacation – sex will suffer along with the hangover.

Vacations should stimulate you to take a day or a few hours off of work to celebrate hot sex when you are not on vacation. The best idea is to not allow your priorities to shift back to an unbalanced life with work and children moving sexual intimacy down the totem pole.

I often hear from people that they don’t have a choice about all of this. This is blatantly false! We have more choices than we think we do. We simply give in to what others think we ought to be doing, rather than what we choose to do. If we make intelligent sexual choices and do a little time management to do so, we can have a rich and playful sex life on and off vacations.

Have you experienced better or more sex while on vacation? What strategies have you found successful in your relationship? I enjoy hearing about how couples get to the place where you are having terrific intimacy.

Who is a Real Sex Therapist?

When a person or a couple are searching for a qualified sex therapist to help them solve a sexual problem, a variety of counselors and therapists can be found on the web who claim they do sex therapy. How does the consumer know if a counselor really is a qualified sex therapist?

A real sex therapist is board certified by at least one of four national boards. Typically, a therapist takes advanced courses to earn a Masters or a Ph.D., and they pass a board exam. Just as you would not want to go to a physician who is not board certified in her or his specialty, you would not blindly accept a counselor’s claim that they are a board certified sexologist.

The four national sexology boards include The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (merely being a member does not mean the organization has certified the member as a sex therapist or counselor), The American College of Sexologists, The American Board of Sexology, and The American Academy of Clinical Sexologists. The first three organizations have a website where the consumer can see if a given therapist is board certified. You should also check out their education, state licensure and certifications on their websites (if they have websites!), or via LinkedIn.

Like other professions, ethical therapists are honest and clear about their credentials. Unfortunately, there is little regulation of who is qualified to say they do sex therapy. In most states, it is up to the consumer to do their research.

Don’t be fooled by listings on Psychology Today or other websites, or what comes up on Google, Bing or other search engines that uncritically and inaccurately allow counselors to label themselves as sex therapists. Check out each potential therapist on your own. If they don’t list their board certifications and degrees, ask them for them and verify them. There are some marriage and family therapists, psychologists and mental health counselors who claim they are experts on sexual problems, but this does not mean they really are sex experts, or that they are board certified or qualified. The media often create sex experts who aren’t qualified as real experts.

Finally, those offering sex “addiction” counseling are not sex therapists unless they also are board certified as sex therapists. The myth of sexual “addiction” will be covered in an upcoming blog.

If you have questions about the qualifications to be a sex therapist or other mental health professional, e-mail me at drlibby@drrogerlibby.com.